Ahh, blueberry picking. I found the treasure of wild blueberries in the woods near home. Today I picked enough to make a Blueberry Buckle, in honor of my genealogy research. The analogies were almost uncanny. I know I was picking in some old, old woods. Maybe even woods where my ancestors once picked. More striking to me was the remembrance of picking blueberries with my oldest brother.
You see; I was unable to enter his name in my newly formed pedigree chart. I've uncovered a deep wound from my past regarding him and me. My brother was really a half-brother, born in my mother's first marriage. His father went on to have two more children, one a very pretty little girl. I don't remember many events in my very young life like day to day activities with him. But I do remember blueberry picking with him. I also remember the picture of that very pretty little girl. She was to be my arch enemy forever.
It's funny that I always had some "unhappy" feeling around my oldest brother and being around that girl, which was actually a woman by the time I had been in her presence. I could never figure it out. He was my brother for goodness sake, but something was wrong. With him? I thought so, but could never quite put my finger on "what".
Last year I read Sheila Walshs' book A Fresh Brewed Life . She explained that hurts of our childhood can come from relationships with all people. I was always examining my parents influence, but not the influence of my siblings.
While contemplating that idea "the picture" came to mind and I found myself sobbing. I knew I had uncovered the "what" of my strange unhappy feelings surrounding my brother. I knew I had to dig deeper. I knew I had happened upon a life dictating and very personal, deeply emotional feeling. In fact, every time a tried to dig deeper into my "insight" I would begin sobbing. I knew I had to talk to my mother, but I wasn't sure about what. Finally I simply asked her "Did my brother watch me alot when I was a baby?" (my brother is eight years older than me). Her answer, of course, was yes.
There I had it. All of the pain and sorrow came rushing through me every time I would try to bring the whole bundle of thoughts together. I had felt abandoned from the first time I saw "the picture" of that pretty little girl. I knew he chose her over me, even through until his untimely death. The place of being able to be chosen between me and someone else would be painful for me and obvious to me until now.
What I hadden't been able to do was forgive him, until today. While picking the blueberries and remembering that he was just my brother. He was just a fragile human being like I am. I realized that I had put him in God's place in my life. There is only One that we can trust, only One that will not disapoint. He is the one true God and ruler over my life. Again my eyes welled up with tears, but not the tears of sorrow from that past hurt. I thank you dear God, my heavenly Father for bringing such light to me.
My genealogy research and my deep love of the one true living God seem to go naturally together. I think God has shown and still shows me small parts of the "big picture" and plan for my life. I can think of "the picture" of that little girl without sobbing and so I am beckoned to keep going with life, with forgiveness, compassion, and mostly peace. Thank you Lord God.
